YOU WERE NOT RAPED

It’s not that I don’t empathize with you. He let you down. He probably cheated. You feel used, I understand. And I sincerely feel sorry for you.

But I don’t understand how when you had consensual sex while you were dating and you promised to marry each other, it was both of you ‘making love’ and the moment he broke his promise, it became him ‘raping’ you. I’m sorry lady, but the truth is, he dumped you! Yes, he used you, but you weren’t raped. Rape is when a monster irregardless of your consent claims your body. Usually he does not have your consent. Did I mention that he does not even regard the necessity of your consent?

When you claim your previously love-making sessions fuelled by desire and passion on both sides to be ‘rape’ once he dumps you, you are exploiting an immensely serious word and a horrific act, which leaves victims scarred for life. Very few recover from what they experience though none of it is their fault. When you term your circumstances for what they aren’t, you are diluting this grave crime that we call ‘molestation’. 

He might have played you but it was with your consent. As brash and uncivilized as it sounds, you agreed (literally) to share the bed with him and one thing led to the other. You permitted him to do what he did. You were partners to what occurred. And now, you unfortunately are confusing the meaning of the word. Had you been in a relationship with him and he’d forced himself on you, it’d be rape-what you claim it is. Or even after your consent, if he did what you hadn’t permitted him to, it would be rape.

He betrayed you lady. That is what he did. You shouldn’t have attached sanctity to love making if you treated it as a condition to marriage and then indulged in it before you were married. He didn’t rape you. He broke his promise and let you down. Yes, he broke your heart. Yes, what he did is unforgiveable. But it’s a relationship gone wrong. He stabbed you in the back.

I absolutely, whole-heartedly support our war against rape and that includes identifying when it has occurred and when it hasn’t.

ARE YOU BEING HEARD?

There are so many things I’ve learnt from being treated unkindly, right from feeling like a doormat to being unheard and unseen, I’ve been through it all. I cannot claim my opinions to have not been valued, because for that, the fact that I’d even uttered a few words needed to be acknowledged! Yeah. There were times I’ve even been cut mid-sentence and a completely different topic was started, not even remotely linked to what was being discussed before.

Like it usually happens, I over-looked these occurrences numerous times until I noticed how much it happened. The next thing I did was sulk and sulk and sulk. I was in a sorry state. I avoided speaking if discussions were held in groups or even included a third party. I felt let down, insulted and extremely unwanted. My self-esteem had taken a blow.

Once I got over all the sulking, I began to analyze and deduce the conditions when this occurred. Call me desperate if you may, but I wanted to be heard. I realized a number of details I hadn’t paid attention to before. A major one being some people are ill-mannered assholes who don’t want to let other people speak. They think there’s a spotlight hovering above which they’re being immensely deprived off when a voice other than theirs is heard. These people do not let anyone else speak. A-N-Y-O-N-E. There’s nothing that can actually be done of them.

But something important that I actually stumbled into was, the question, “DO I VALUE MYSELF, MY WORDS, MY SELF-ESTEEM?” Sadly, the answer in spite of what I wanted to believe in, bordered on negative. You’ll know once you question yourself impartially. This is what triggers the problem in the first place. Your voice does not bear the firmness required. And that, my dear, is the truth. Nothing’s going to actually change if you don’t work on this basic aspect.

The magic to letting them know that you’re seriously saying what you are, is continuing what you were saying before they interrupted you. Start with, “I was saying______(continue whatever you were saying)______” and in extreme cases, follow up with “__ before you rudely interrupted me.” You’re going to love the expression on their face.

Apart from the self-esteem thing, what counts is also if you’re assertive enough, which probably you aren’t. One thing worth remembering though, is that with different people, the degree of assertion required is going to vary and you, my dear will have to recognize that or else you stand at a risk of being labeled ‘too bossy’ or ‘too submissive’.

They next time you interact with them, notice. They'll hear it-sure. But did they listen?

No matter what, you under each and every circumstance require to remember that-

YOUR OPINIONS, YOUR VOICE-IT MATTERS. YOU MATTER.